Biohacking Entrepreneur Announces He Has Successfully Reverse-Aged Past Infancy, Is Now Legally A Fetus

PALO ALTO, CALIF. — Wellness entrepreneur Griffin Ashworth, 47, held a press conference from inside a temperature-controlled recovery pod on Tuesday to announce that his five-year longevity regimen had worked almost too well: according to his own biomarker panel, he has reverse-aged past infancy and is now, medically and increasingly legally, a second-trimester fetus.

Ashworth's company, Undoing Health, built its name on a public regimen that once tracked eighty-one biomarkers a day and cost, by his own estimate, more than most people's mortgages. The company's chief longevity officer, Petra Lindqvist, told reporters the milestone was the result of "relentless discipline, cold exposure, and a supplement stack we are legally barred from fully disclosing." She added that Ashworth's resting heart rate now closely resembles that of "a very ambitious tadpole."

The announcement has created complications. Ashworth's driver's license was suspended Monday after the DMV received a court order questioning whether its photo still constituted a legal likeness. His longtime business partner, Dale Okafor, said he found out about the regression the same way everyone else did, over livestream, and admitted he was "genuinely unsure whether to send flowers or a onesie." A hospital spokesperson confirmed Ashworth had been checked into the maternity ward "out of an abundance of caution and also because nobody else knew which floor to put him on."

Undoing Health's internal researchers released a statement calling the outcome "within expected variance," citing an unpublished study in which twelve of Ashworth's fourteen test subjects also trended younger, three of whom have since stopped returning calls. Dr. Amara Fenwick, an endocrinologist unaffiliated with the company, said she had reviewed the biomarker data and could confirm only that "something happened, and I would strongly advise against finding out what."

Ashworth's insurance company has reclassified him as a dependent. His podcast, previously titled "The Undoing," has been renamed "The Undoing (Prenatal Edition)" and now airs in twenty-minute segments to accommodate what producers describe as "naps that are not optional." Ashworth himself declined to be interviewed directly, communicating instead through a series of kicks his team characterized as "extremely on-brand."

At press time, Undoing Health had begun pre-selling access to Ashworth's "next chapter," described in marketing materials as "pre-conception optimization," with a waitlist that Lindqvist said was already longer than most people's actual lifespans.