Certified Baller (Payment Plan)

A broke guy with zero assets and maximum confidence explains why he is, in fact, a certified baller — every piece of evidence to the contrary is beside the point.

[Intro]

Uh, yeah They call me the CEO of Certified Flex (They don't call me that) Skrrt, ayy

[Verse 1]

Pulled up in the whip, she said "what year is that?" 2019 Corolla, I said "bespoke, relax" Got the drip on drip, this Gucci? Nah it's Goose-y-G Bought it off a guy named Goose, he sells 'em out the back, ayy Ice around my neck but it ain't real, that's tipped glass Hit the mall with my entourage — it's my roommate and his cat VIP section, that's the back of Denny's, baby, non-smoking They know my name, got a reservation, I spelled it wrong but they let me in

[Hook]

Certified baller, payment plan! Everything I own, I do not own it, man! The chain — layaway! The whip — it's borrowed, aye! Certified baller, payment plan! Oh yeah — certified! Certified baller, payment plan! Everything I flex on is financed, fam!

[Verse 2]

Diamond watch, I'm flexin' — bro that's cubic zirconium Stay up in the penthouse — fifth-floor walk-up in the condominium Poppin' bottles in the club — that's sparkling water, I got court on Monday Hundred racks in the safe — sixty dollars and a coupon for Subway Pull up with the stick, by stick I mean the debit card that's always crackin' Declined at McDonald's, had to split the McFlurry, still I'm stackin' My financial advisor said "you're cooked," I said "understood" Put it on the card, the card said "bruh," I said "it's all good"

[Hook]

Certified baller, payment plan! Everything I own, I do not own it, man! The chain — layaway! The whip — it's borrowed, aye! Certified baller, payment plan! Oh yeah — certified! Certified baller, payment plan! Everything I flex on is financed, fam!

[Bridge]

Look. Look. I've done the math. Technically, if I stop buying protein shakes, I could be debt-free by 2041. Which means by 2042 — I'm a BALLER. (That's just math. Don't fact-check that.) Ayy, ayy—

[Final Hook]

Certified baller, PAYMENT PLAN! Everything I own, I do not own it, man! The chain — LAYAWAY! The whip — it's BORROWED, AYE! Certified baller, payment plan! (paid plan! free plan! no plan!) Everything I flex on is FINANCED, FAM!

[Outro]

Payment plan... payment plan... uh... Minimum payment... uh... APR twenty-nine-ninety-nine... skrrt... Yeah... certified...