FEMA Showed Up the Next Morning

A man brags that his evening with Charlene Marie was so catastrophically epic that FEMA dispatched trucks, filed paperwork, and Inspector Gary has never fully recovered.

[Intro]

(spoken over building guitar riff) Now I want to be clear — I am not a force of nature. ...The county declared me one. That's different.

[Verse 1]

Met Charlene Marie at the Sundown Bar and Grill She took one look at me, said "honey, give me your goodwill" Drove my truck back to the holler 'bout a quarter after nine The coonhound hid behind the couch, the barn cats formed a line By ten o'clock my nearest neighbors texted 911 Said "somethin' ain't quite right out there, we don't know if we should run"

[Chorus]

FEMA showed up the next mornin'! Said they got a call about a major event! Inspector Gary walked the damage, clipboard in his hand Said "sir, in thirty years I've never seen this kind of harm to land" He shook his head and said "we're callin' this a Category Four — What in the hell happened in that bed?!" (CROWD: WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED IN THAT BED?!) FEMA showed up the next mornin' — disaster of the very best kind!

[Verse 2]

The power grid was surgin' like a Walmart on the Fourth The seismologist in Nashville said "we need to talk — north Registered a 3.4 right underneath your parcel My professor said it could've been a tremor but the pattern was too personal" The livestock took a hard left toward the fence and didn't look back The Doppler pinged a weather system — son, that ain't on any map

[Bridge]

(spoken, acoustic guitar only, building to full-band re-entry) Now Gary — that's the inspector — Gary came back two weeks later. Said "sir, we need you to fill out a form. Form 27-B." I said "what's that one called?" He said "Unexplained Structural Enthusiasm." I said "Gary... she signed the release." He stared at me a real long time. Said "God bless you, son." And left.

(FULL BAND CRASHES IN)

[Final Chorus]

FEMA showed up the next mornin'! Said they got a call about a major event! Gary's in a support group now! And Charlene already booked me for the next one — called the city first, got a permit and a tent! (CROWD: FEMA SHOWED UP THE NEXT MORNIN'!) Disaster of the very — absolute — best kind!

[Outro]

(spoken over strutting guitar lick, crowd noise fading) The county put up a historical marker. "On this site — a good time was had by some, and FEMA by all." I'm in the Chamber of Commerce now.